Pulling up my blog site this evening, I was shocked to see that my last post was over one year ago. I still can't quite believe that I have been away from this for such a long time. I will share that it has been a year of a lot of introspection, growth and at times both deep joy and overwhelming stress. I guess it has just been....life, as it is for us all, with its many ups and downs.
I wonder if those of you who read my blog, when it was more active, are still out there willing to read on with me again, now as I hope to resume posting more regularly. I hope that you are because sharing with you is why I write in this forum. If I touch even one person with something that I have written or make even one gentle soul out there feel less alone, than I have succeeded in my mission. I am someone who craves meaningful connections with others and this seems to be one way that I can express myself, while hoping to touch others out there. I find this very rewarding but also deeply meaningful and healing for me. Our shame grows in darkness but in connection comes healing. So I choose to share with those of you interested in reading with the hopes of some connection and healing for myself personally and maybe for a few of you out there.
If you have read past posts of mine, you know that I write mainly about the challenges and gifts of living with Multiple Sclerosis and about my passion for Mindfulness.
I am thrilled to share that I recently began a new job working as a meditation guide at a very special Meditation Center called Current Meditation. I am also thrilled that I continue leading my Journey Through Mindfulness - Introduction to Mindfulness series at Current. I sometimes have to pinch myself when I am at work because I feel beyond fortunate to find my work something that brings me such peace and healing. Not everyone is blessed enough to truly love their work and it is not something that I take for granted. The atmosphere at Current is truly unique and there is not really anything else out there quite like it. For more on Current you can visit www.becurrent.com.
I am also, at the moment, jacked up on IV steroids- seriously jacked up! I am having an MS Relapse and it is this that brings me to the keyboard. One of the side effects of the treatment is that it makes it very difficult to sleep. I was awake in bed until 3:30am last night and while exhausted to the bone, I am wide awake again tonight knowing that sleep is not happening any time soon. After doing multiple meditations, trying to quiet my mind enough to drift off to slumber, I decided that rather than fight it, I would use the time to share what has been on my mind throughout this relapse because once again, MS is proving to be a wise and valuable teacher to me.
Living with this condition for almost thirteen years now, I read so many books, try so many different holistic remedies, special MS diets, go through periods of being too rigorous with my exercise to then periods of stopping all together, I have periods of balance and periods or extremes, I go the traditional drug therapy route on and off, and read so many books all with different promises of what will put an end to this condition or at least silence it, trying most of their suggestions. I listen to what others, living with the condition, find helpful and try adopting their plans for myself - ordering assortments of supplements and various remedies.
For me personally, I suffer relapses while on and off the various diets, while on and of the different drug therapies, while doing rigorous exercise and while doing more gentle gentle mindful movement. All of this at times, leaves me feeling overwhelmed and at a loss. I realize that the recovering perfectionist I am, with a strong need to feel in control, desperately wants to know the right way for me to manage this condition. This same part of me, feels like I am somehow getting it wrong when I do suffer a relapse. Is it something that I ate? Is it the stress from the holidays? Is it the emotional stress I have been under? Is it that I have been spending more time guiding others in meditations and not enough time maintaining my own personal practice? Is it that I have not exercised in almost one year with any regularity? Is it that I have not properly nourished my body? The list goes on and on as do these nagging feelings that if I could just figure out what the magic answer is, I would be OK.
During this time of MS activity, I believe I am finally realizing that perhaps the healthiest thing that I can do for myself is to admit and accept that I just can't control MS. As much as I want to, I can't know what causes my relapses. I am also beginning to see how I can be very much an all or nothing kind of person. I can do things in extremes. The concept of moderation and balance is sometimes a foreign one for me. I am also realizing that it does me no good to compare myself to anyone else and their journey. I feel extremely blessed, that over the course of the many years living with MS, the progression for me has been benign. There are so many out there, who suffer with much more rapidly progressing forms of the condition. So, I am truly grateful. That said, I can find it difficult to live with such an unpredictable condition that I can't control or fix.
Back to the revelation that I can often find moderation a challenge. When I get an idea, I often just run with it, not always really taking the time to think it through. I guess you could say I can be impulsive at times. I decide I want to start to jog, intending to build up to 20 minutes - three days a week, and before I know it I am training for a half marathon. (which I am proud to say I did accomplish and it was both BRUTAL and AMAZING) I say that I am just going to go to Pure Barre twice a week, because I love it, but then end up signing up for the monthly unlimited membership going five to six times a week, ignoring the signs my body is screaming at me that this is too much. I read Dr. Terry Wahl's protocol that cured her MS and I follow her guidelines, as best I can, but I end up being very good at restricting the many food groups recommended to eliminate but not as successful at including the may nutrient dense foods it calls me to include daily. (have never once made bone broth or eaten liver among many other things she calls us to implement) This approach ends up fueling a very disordered way of eating that causes a host of other challenges for me. I try to slow down and listen to my body, only to be left feeling an overwhelming guilt because I want to be doing more. In my mind, society is telling me that I should be doing more. This becomes an unhealthy place for my mind to reside because I can feel less than or like I am not being productive enough, which can lead to depression, anxiety, and isolating myself.
It has been about one year, that I have been dealing with a lot of different stressful situations in life, not taking any disease modifying drug therapy for most of that time, also not fueling my body in a healthy way and not doing any form of regular exercise- mindful movement or otherwise for the last year. All the while, feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed, as I have been feeling my health slowly deteriorating. It has been a challenging time. That is not to say that there have not been many beautiful joyful times - there have. Still, taking care of myself has been challenging at times this past year.
As I say, in most of my blog posts about living with MS, MS is truly my teacher when I allow it to be. Someday I hope to write a book titled MySelf, that will speak to the many ways that living with MS has given me the gift of truly getting to know MySelf - my most authentic self. I think it is honest to reveal that I am also a recovering people pleaser and so this getting to know who I really am, rather than the version of who I feel others want me to be, has been a huge journey for me and one I am so grateful for. (I believe this is another blog post on its own)
This recent relapse is proving to be once again a wise and loving teacher. It is as if MS has decided to hit me between the eyes to get my attention and now that is has, I have decided to listen. To really listen to that still silence within that I know I can trust. The overwhelming lesson it seems to want me to learn, is to continue researching, reading, and listening to others but, in the end, to come back to that still silent voice within and then decide what is best for MY body, MY mind, and MY wellness.
I have come to believe that what may work for one person, might not necessarily work for another. We all have different genetic makeups, different physical bodies with their own unique set of sensitivities, weaknesses, strengths, and needs. We have different emotional states of wellness, what overwhelms one person might not even phase someone else. Each of us has suffered different life events that have played a part in shaping who we are, leaving us each so uniquely different, that I believe that perhaps what works so well for one, might not be the magic answer for another.
So while the details of this relapse or the course of the treatment I have chosen, aren't of importance to this post, what I do feel worthy to share, is what I am learning is that for me personally, Balance is what I most need. Balance is all areas of my life. It is just as important for me to meditate, at least twice a day formally, as it is to guide classes for others. It is important that I find mindful ways to move my body each day - ways that can help to strengthen it without taxing it - honoring that might look different from day to day. It is vital for me to fuel my body with nutrient dense foods, trying to eliminate inflammatory foods, but also indulging at times, allowing myself to enjoy eating something just because I want to eat it and it tastes good or because it allows me to feel a part of enjoying a meal with others. It is important for me to listen to how I feel about drug therapies and not just be persuaded by either neurologists, who try to convince me it is in my best interest to be taking one of the disease modifying treatments, OR well intended people, who also try to share their opinions of the many reasons I should avoid such drug remedies. I can gather information and then choose what I believe is best for my body, mind and spirit.
I realize that there are as many differing opinions out there on all of this as there are people eager to share their opinions. In the end, I realize that only I can make the choices that are best for me. Then the equally important realization is that once I make whatever choices I make, that I then allow myself to feel at peace with them, regardless of what others are telling me. Also, realizing that no choice is permanent and I have the ability to make different choices down the road.
I am accepting that there are days my body will feel great and allow me to be the active person I enjoy being and there will be days when what it most needs is a nap or a day to take it easy and that is also OK. I will honor and respect my body, meeting it wherever it is, with the same compassion and respect I would give to anyone else. | will try hard to remember that I am no less of a person on the days of rest than I am on the days of productive activity. To me, it all seems to be boiling down to living a more Authentic, Balanced and Mindful life, says the Mindfulness instructor. :)
For me, living an Authentic, Balanced, and Mindful life, means loving myself not just on the easy days, when I feel like I have it all together, but also on the challenging days, when I might feel utterly lost. Perhaps even loving and accepting myself a little bit more on those more difficult days.
Tomorrow I get to remove the IV line from my wrist after my husband administers my last round of treatment, I have to take a moment to just share my appreciation for my dear husband, who sat through the training with the nurse sent to our house, and despite his low tolerance for needles, blood and all things related to this type of therapy, he was right there with me through it all. When it was too much for me to handle administering to myself, he took over and was the greatest husband-nurse I could have asked for. Thank you my dear husband. I love you! Once this last treatment is over and we can pull this line out of my little vein, I plan to enjoy a delicious shower, get dressed in big girl clothes (I have been living in sweat pants for the past several days and just want to feel pretty), put make up on (also not been high on the list of things to do recently), pick out some recipes from Dr. Terry Wahls MS cookbook to prepare for us to enjoy this week, and begin the journey of Mindful eating, Mindful moving, reaching out and connecting with others (I tend to isolate during these challenging times), and will be beyond grateful for every step of the journey back to wellness. MRIs and doctors appointments to follow, which I plan to use as information gathering sessions and then during my times of inward reflection, will keep making the best decisions for MySelf, one day at a time, learning - growing - healing and becoming more real each step of the way.
I feel grateful and blessed. Thank you MS.......I so dislike you sometimes but always seem to come around realizing that we are in this dance together and you have so much to teach me.
Blessings, light and love to all!
