Journey to Becoming Real

"Real isn't how you are made. It's a thing that happens to you. Sometimes it hurts, but when you are Real you don't mind being hurt. It doesn't happen all at once. You become. Once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand. Once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

                                                  ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Recently, someone lent me a copy of The Velveteen Rabbit.  I have fond memories of reading this book to my two small children years ago.  Curled up among their piles of  stuffed animals, feeling their tiny hands interlocked with mine and the warmth of their cheeks pressed against my face.  Those were such sweet innocent times that now seem such a distant memory.  

Much has happened over the years as my husband and I have raised our two daughters.  I am not sure where our original copy of The velveteen Rabbit   is but I imagine it is packed away amongst other treasured memories from their childhood years.  

I had forgotten about this sweet children’s story about becoming Real but after rereading it, I have been thinking a lot about that little bunny and his deep longings to be Real.  Margery Williams writes so sweetly about how love make us Real.  She gives us beautiful descriptions of how the world of appearances fades away when we become real saying, “Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby”.  Shabbiness doesn’t matter when you are Real.  Like that little Rabbit, I find myself in a time of life where I am searching for my authentic self.  Longing to be more Real.

I do believe that Love can make us more Real.  I also believe that becoming Real is hard work! It isn’t something that just magically happens.  I believe it takes extraordinary courage to become Real in a world that seems to place such importance on appearances, on the need to attain some unrealistic idea of perfection, and our own human need to somehow fit in. I also believe that Love can be hard.   I don’t think any of us intentionally sets out to hurt the ones we love, yet we do hurt them and they hurt us.  That is life.  I think the good news in this reality is that it is these unavoidable pains of life that may just wind up being the very things that can help make us Real.

I have spent much of my life concerned with how everyone else was feeling about me, trying to please others, protecting people, fixing or changing myself to be more of who I thought I was supposed to be, and at times sadly focusing on trying to change others to fit my idea of how things should be. It isn’t that my life hasn’t had great meaning and importance because it has.    It does. I am blessed in unimaginable ways and am grateful for the ways that I have loved and have been loved.  As Williams says, becoming Real is a process.  It doesn’t happen all at once.  Life can be hard.  The world we find ourselves in today can be brutal, frightening, and devastating.  How we respond to painful events can tell us a lot about who we are.  Do we become shriveled up and afraid of further pain or can we turn towards our fears and insecurities? Can we be with out own suffering and can we sit with the suffering of others without shrinking back?  I believe that we can allow our struggles and pain to deepen our compassion and understanding for those we love and for ourselves.

I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t longing for meaningful connections with others and I am always deeply touched when I experience such connections.  I do not take them for granted.  I am discovering a common thread among the experiences I have when I receive these connections.  Those moments when a person really sees me, accepts me, understands me, and loves me regardless of what is there - have all been moments when I have offered myself up, much like the Velveteen rabbit, soft, shabby, and Real.  I believe that in order to have meaningful connections with others, we must first become Real with ourselves.

 I led a Letting Go guided meditation to a group of brave men and women the other day.  I say, “brave” because each showed up exactly as they were, open and willing to just be there with whatever happened.  I was reminded that in mindfulness practice, there is no need for striving or for effort. In fact, there is no need to try to make anything happen at all.  We aren't trying to get rid of unpleasant experiences or create a perfect practice.  We are quite simply just practicing being in each present moment - one after the next.  In so doing, we discover that there is tremendous value in consciously letting go of all effort and that it is often in these moment of effortless presence that we will be able to see more clearly who we really are.  There is something quite beautiful in resting in our own natural awareness.  

I believe that the more time I spend resting in my own natural awareness with compassion and loving kindness for myself and others, the braver I will become in sharing with the world my true authentic self. The more Real I will become.  Simple though not easy.  Might the work also be hard but at times also effortless? 

So I thank you Margery Williams for reminding me that becoming Real is indeed not something that happens all at once.  It is not something that is easy.  It sometimes hurts.  Becoming Real is hard and painful, uncomfortable and strange.  It is also glorious, daring, brave, and beautiful. I also thank you dear one - you know who you are - for lending me your copy of this book serving as a gentle and loving reminder of what it means to be REAL.